Tackling Rudeness In Children

WHEN I asked my friends what they regarded as rude remarks from their children, I received mixed responses. They disagreed on what is considered rude. Perhaps it should be established from the start that it is considered rude when children intentionally use words to hurt other people’s feelings.

If an elderly person remarks that today’s children are rude and ill-mannered, he or she is probably right. Experts such as Michelle Borba, author of Don’t Give Me That Attitude, said that eye-rolling and general sassy behaviour is occurring more often among younger children. Teenagers are no longer the only ones who do back talking and display bad attitude. How did our children learn to be rude and frivolous in their behaviour? Just take a look around you. There is less politeness around these days. People don’t exactly go around saying, “Please” and “Thank you” anymore. When you walk down the street and someone accidentally bumps into you, there will be no word of apology forthcoming.

We need to get our children on the right track by responding appropriately and learning to use kinder words when we are upset or angry. Parents are children’s role-models when it comes to showing the right behaviour and using acceptable language in our everyday communication. Years ago, I remember teaching a four-year-old whose verbal communication was laden with profanity. When I approached his mother to discuss his colourful language, she laughed it off by saying: “Oh, my little Andrew is just like his dad!”

Children also pick up disrespectful behaviour when they watch sitcoms and commercials. Words that are used at the end of sentences such as “whatever” or “duh” can be catchy when the TV characters use them. They are disrespectful when our children use them in response to others. Some parents use sarcasm on their children instead of talking to them with respect. This encourages children to do the same when the time comes for them to act up. Children’s behaviour do reflect their parents’ own behaviour. So if you want your child to respond appropriately, start with yourself.

If your child is starting to act rudely or use inappropriate language to irritate you, make sure you put a stop to it immediately, before it gets worse. Let him know what are the words he must stop using with you. Give him the words to use that go well with you. Don’t engage in conversations with your child if he is rude. Once you have told your child what you do not want to hear, walk away. Your child needs to know that you will not give him audience when he is rude.

Be clear in your expectations of your child. Many parents are indecisive when it comes to what they regard as rude. When their children were young, they thought that their rude behaviour was funny. As they grow older, their rude behaviour is no longer becoming and parents want to put a stop to it. One parent I know regrets the way she has allowed her son to act rudely towards her. She wanted to project the image of a friend, instead of a parent. Her sons have grown into teenagers who use inappropriate language and lash out at her when they do not get what they want.

Stay in control as a parent. You can have fun with your children, joke with them and play rough and tumble. But you must make sure that they do not use rude words or act defiantly when talking to you. Tell your children, “I am your mother and I like spending time with you. I will not be able to do anything with you when you use words that are hurtful and not endearing.”

Make time for family meetings to deal with the ups and downs in relationships. Children can learn a great deal from such meetings when people talk things over instead of using name-calling or talking rudely to one another. This is also a time for parents and children to listen to one another. - thestar

Are You Raising A Selfish Child?

THE mother of a toddler, desperately trying to hold on to her active child, said: “Please sit down and be quiet.” She continued to give him his playthings and pacified him with sweet snacks. The child persisted in creating a ruckus in the room. The other people sitting in the room were trying to listen to the speaker. Some of them, feeling annoyed, stood up and walked away. One woman offered to help the mother with her toddler. She refused her help and remained in the room throughout the session.

If you had a similar experience, what would you do? This mother wanted to listen to the talk but her toddler was preventing her from doing so. She remained in the audience because she felt that she had every right to be there.  

Her toddler could not remain docile for such a long session intended for an adult audience only. He was restless and needed to move about. His mother was not considering his needs nor was she thinking of others who had to put up with the noise her son was making.
Many parents with young children today find it hard to strike a balance in the way they manage their children. They either become too lenient or too strict. There are those who abandon their good sense to make sure their children are happy at all times. They have no consideration for the feelings of others. There are also parents who train their children to abide by their rules no matter what. I asked one mother how she managed to keep her young children from fussing during a meeting, and she told me: “They dare not make any noise. I have a small cane in my bag.”

Parents who take their young children along to meetings can enquire whether the organisers have special facilities prepared for young ones. It is up to the parents to make sure that they are able to accommodate young children before attending the programme. Young children do need boundaries. They have to understand that their behaviour can affect others. They cannot run about and shout as they please in places where people conduct their meetings. If they do, the parents should tell the children to leave the room, out of respect for others.

Parents must make sure that their children understand how to conduct themselves in different places. At the same time, they need to help them without punishing them when they are unable to comply. They cannot be forced to remain still for long periods. Children know that they are important people, but other people are also important. If they want others to respect them, they should do the same for others. Parents should show the children how to conduct themselves in public.

I work with children in many different settings. Common behaviours I have observed are of children pushing one another and cutting queues to be ahead or to grab a snack. Being competitive is not all bad but hurting others along the way to gaining success for oneself is not good. One father once said to me: “I told my son that he has to fight hard with others to get what he wants.” There are those who even teach their children strategies and mean tricks just to stay ahead of others.

Children are naturally self-centered. They need adult guidance to show them that other people count, too. We want our children to have the values and virtues on which a positive sense of self is built. If we are to feel good about ourselves, we need to make sure that we can make others feel good, too. The mother who only regards her own needs above others sets an example for her son. She has very little regard for her neighbours, therefore she cannot teach her son that others count.

Thinking about others and how our actions affect them will help us to behave in an acceptable manner. Then we will feel good about ourselves. If you want your children to behave, you must first be their role model. Actions speak louder than words. Before you discipline your child, work on yourself first.  - thestar

- Love your neighbour: Children need to be taught that other people are important, too.